Why the tears? Why the sadness? Why am I lettting thoughts stew?
Why do I suddenly feel this ache I cannot explain you?
Although I am supported by many,
I’ve been cut off by a few.
But this is nothing new.
So why do I feel so blue?
…And there you have it: a poetic rendering of my latest internal dialogue!
I have been puzzled as to what was happening but now, after some time reflecting and praying, I have a better understand of what may be happening:
Grief.
It may be that I am grieving what the month of May used to be for me.
In past years, my mother would visit us in Houston, settling into our guest bedroom affectionately named “Granny’s Room.” We would have an itinerary filled with recitals, awards assemblies, birthday celebrations, and choir performances. She would eagerly anticipate movie night. Gabrielle would assist her with navigating something on her iPhone, and Olivia would ask to bake a cake from scratch for Granny to enjoy.
None of this is happening this year.
And it is painful.
I have heard of holidays triggering emotions, typically in the context of missing a loved one who has passed away.
What I now realize is that dementia brings a form of ambiguous grief and disenfranchised grief.
A loved one with dementia is physically present and active, yet different in their behavior and presentation. The person they once were is gone. This disorienting reality arises from their physical presence conflicting with previous expectations. One might feel the emotions akin to losing someone who is sitting right beside you.
It is an incredibly challenging experience.
Therefore, I grieve. I grieve as I miss her mental faculties and her ability to comfort and engage with me. I grieve her picking up the phone and calling me. I grieve her absence at this year’s events. I grieve relationships that have fractured under the burden of what dementia entails.
Yet, I do not grieve without hope! Grief is difficult. It can also be productive as it leads to acceptance.
With every tear that falls, I move closer to accepting God’s plan for my mother and our relationship. I become nearer to relinquishing my exhausting desire to manage my reputation and fix all that seems broken. I grow closer to trusting God as I embrace opportunities to create new memories, new traditions, and new itineraries. These will not only include my mother but also honor her as the beautiful, kind, and humorous woman she is today.
This grief is different.
The way they treat me is different.
My mother is different.
May does brings with it one #MovingMoment after another, pulling me through those valid feelings while drawing me closer to this Biblical truth:
He remains the same!
He is still God.
He is still good.
And today is still the day I choose to say, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!“
” …you will not grieve like people who have no hope.”
1Thessalonians 4:13b
